Real Estate Jokes

“I’m no photographer, but I can picture you in this house.”

Why was the real estate agent so excited that he completed a jigsaw puzzle in only 9 weeks? Because on the box it said 8-12 Years.

“The price we set will either sell your home or your neighbor’s. Which would you prefer?”

What did Winnie The Pooh say to his real estate agent? Show me the honey!

“Your house is worth what it’s worth. Not what you want it to be worth.” - Kit Schroeder

“I am basically a full-time psychologist who shows houses every now and then.”

“I can tell you what you want to hear, or what you need to know.”

In real estate, you make 10% of your money because you’re a genius and 90% because you catch a great wave.”

What does a real estate agent use for birth control? His personality.

“Please, tell me more about how you’re an expert in real estate because you watch HGTV.”

Sleep is for people without access to the MLS

"Judging by your pins, you’ll need a house with 14 bathrooms, 27 living rooms, and a master closet the size of a small village. No worries. I got you."

It’s always better to buy real estate and wait than to wait and buy real estate.”

This country is great. It’s the only place where you can borrow money for a downpayment, get a 1st and 2nd mortgage and call yourself a homeowner.

“Is he a looker or a buyer?”

"Why, yes … that'd be fantastic if your parents, grandmother, and second cousin came along while I showed you houses today.” Why, yes … that'd be fantastic if your parents, grandmother, and second cousin came along while I showed you houses today."

Why didn't the hipster real estate agent show the oceanside mansion? It was too current.

The Realtor said, "first you folks tell me what you can afford, then we’ll have a good laugh and go on from there."

“It’s better to hurt you with the truth than comfort you with a lie.”

"My clients put in an offer on a two story house. One story before the offer, another story after the offer."

“I’m a Realtor, not a magician."

Seller said to the Listing Agent: "You’ve done such a great job describing my house in your real estate listing that I’ve decided to keep it!"

“Do you want to price you home to sell or do you want to price your home to sit?”

A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says "Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?" The realtor says "Brochure"

“This may not be the offer you want; but it’s the offer you’ve got!”

If you want to know exactly where the property line is, just watch the neighbor cut the grass.

“You make a living selling real estate but you get wealthy buying real estate.”

This house has every new convenience except low payments.

It’s always better to be someone’s first love, second spouse and third listing agent.

What's the difference between a real estate agent and an accountant? The accountant knows he is boring.

“I’m not going to tell you what you want to hear; I’m going to tell you what you need to hear"

A Modern home is a place where a switch controls everything but the kids, and it has gadgets to do everything except make the payments.

“I rather say “no” to 10 low offers than “yes” to none!”

Have you opened a new location, redesigned your shop, or added a new product or service? Don't keep it to yourself, let folks know.

How does a dual agent sleep? Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

“I’m not a salesman; I’m a matchmaker. I introduce people to homes, until they fall in love with one, then I’m a wedding planner.”

An expired listing means you were the highest bidder for your home.

The dream of the older generation was to pay off a mortgage. The dream of today’s young families is to get one.

“Do you want to put an offer in on a house, or would you actually like to buy your home?”

If you think no one cares you’re alive, miss a couple of house payments.

“I’m not in the business of listing homes, I’m in the business of selling them.”

“Mr. and Mrs. Seller, we are in a price war and a beauty contest, and in order for us to sell your home fast, we have to win at both.”

“Ninety percent of the people in the world hate wallpaper the other 10 percent hate your wallpaper"

Houses today don’t have enough closet space. Sure they do. They’re just called guest bedrooms.

“Do I have your permission to be completely honest.”

Why don't real estate agents read novels? Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.

Why do appraisers carry a wasp in their hand? Value is in the eye of the bee holder.

“What’s more important to you, what the buyer who saw your home thinks or what the dozens of buyers who choose not to see your home think?”

Are you a property inspector? Because you were checking me out for hours at the open house on Sunday

I’m getting married to a top producing Realtor tomorrow. He’s so dreamy. Check out the diamond engagement ring he sold me.

How do you get a real estate agent out of a tree? Cut the rope.

If a real estate agents wife cannot sleep, what does she say? "Darling, could you tell me about your work."

It’s important to look closely at lawn signs during elections. Last time I voted for a Realtor.

I finally figured out how to make a million dollars in the real estate business. You start out with two million.

What’s a real estate agent’s favorite sexual position? The comissionary position.

Why did God invent economists? So real estate agents could have someone to laugh at.

“What four letter word does an agent use, when a deal falls apart? Next!”

My bread and butter are listings with finished basements. They’re my best cellars!

“If your business depends on distressed property deals you have a business in distress.”

CRM salesperson: “This CRM will cut your workload in half” Real Estate Agent: “That’s great, I’ll take two!”

Is this listing in an earthquake zone or did you just rock my world?

I’m sorry, but state regulations and the NAR code of ethics require me to disclose how beautiful your eyes are.

I listed a maintenance free house. In the last 25 years there hasn’t been any maintenance.

The price of real estate in my neighbourhood has become so expensive only cats can afford it.

You need 9 lives to pay it off.

Did you hear about the last remaining unit in the apartment building? It was last but not leased.

A Realtor I know asked me if I read Realtor Magazine. I said I did read it, periodically.

What do you need to know to become a great vacant land salesperson? Lot’s.

Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents? To save time.

Why did the house go to the doctor? It had a window pane.

“Why do buyer’s agents always give their clients bees to put in their pockets? So they can tell them beauty is in the eyes of the bee holder.“

A housewarming is the final call for those who haven’t sent a wedding present.

A new agent walks into a Realtor’s office for an interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months. Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it.”

What does a house wear? Address.

What do you say you and me get out of here and go back to my place to check out my pocket listings?

What kind of building weighs the least? A lighthouse.

My clients put in an offer on a two story house. One story before the offer, another story after the offer.

Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it, it’s over your head.

The neighbors always leave their sprinklers on which is a little bit annoying. It’s a source of constant irrigation.

A listing agent I know promises a free abacus with every closed deal, but I wouldn’t count on it.

A real estate agent with only one ear walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Do you want a beer?”

The agent replies, “I’ve got one ear.”

Hey big guy, are you an FHA loan because you’ve definitely got my interest.

My truck driver client was such a pain. Kept saying he wanted a house with long haul ways.

What do you call a real estate agent who practices birth control? A humanitarian.

How many insects do you need to make money from your rental unit? Tenants.