Why was the real estate agent so excited that he completed a jigsaw puzzle in only 9 weeks? Because on the box it said 8-12 Years.
What did Winnie The Pooh say to his real estate agent? Show me the honey!
“I am basically a full-time psychologist who shows houses every now and then.”
In real estate, you make 10% of your money because you’re a genius and 90% because you catch a great wave.”
“Please, tell me more about how you’re an expert in real estate because you watch HGTV.”
"Judging by your pins, you’ll need a house with 14 bathrooms, 27 living rooms, and a master closet the size of a small village. No worries. I got you."
This country is great. It’s the only place where you can borrow money for a downpayment, get a 1st and 2nd mortgage and call yourself a homeowner.
"Why, yes … that'd be fantastic if your parents, grandmother, and second cousin came along while I showed you houses today.” Why, yes … that'd be fantastic if your parents, grandmother, and second cousin came along while I showed you houses today."
The Realtor said, "first you folks tell me what you can afford, then we’ll have a good laugh and go on from there."
"My clients put in an offer on a two story house. One story before the offer, another story after the offer."
Seller said to the Listing Agent: "You’ve done such a great job describing my house in your real estate listing that I’ve decided to keep it!"
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says "Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?" The realtor says "Brochure"
If you want to know exactly where the property line is, just watch the neighbor cut the grass.
This house has every new convenience except low payments.
What's the difference between a real estate agent and an accountant? The accountant knows he is boring.
A Modern home is a place where a switch controls everything but the kids, and it has gadgets to do everything except make the payments.
Have you opened a new location, redesigned your shop, or added a new product or service? Don't keep it to yourself, let folks know.
“I’m not a salesman; I’m a matchmaker. I introduce people to homes, until they fall in love with one, then I’m a wedding planner.”
The dream of the older generation was to pay off a mortgage. The dream of today’s young families is to get one.
If you think no one cares you’re alive, miss a couple of house payments.
“Mr. and Mrs. Seller, we are in a price war and a beauty contest, and in order for us to sell your home fast, we have to win at both.”
Houses today don’t have enough closet space. Sure they do. They’re just called guest bedrooms.
Why don't real estate agents read novels? Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.
“What’s more important to you, what the buyer who saw your home thinks or what the dozens of buyers who choose not to see your home think?”
I’m getting married to a top producing Realtor tomorrow. He’s so dreamy. Check out the diamond engagement ring he sold me.
If a real estate agents wife cannot sleep, what does she say? "Darling, could you tell me about your work."
I finally figured out how to make a million dollars in the real estate business. You start out with two million.
Why did God invent economists? So real estate agents could have someone to laugh at.
My bread and butter are listings with finished basements. They’re my best cellars!
CRM salesperson: “This CRM will cut your workload in half” Real Estate Agent: “That’s great, I’ll take two!”
I’m sorry, but state regulations and the NAR code of ethics require me to disclose how beautiful your eyes are.
The price of real estate in my neighbourhood has become so expensive only cats can afford it.
You need 9 lives to pay it off.
A Realtor I know asked me if I read Realtor Magazine. I said I did read it, periodically.
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents? To save time.
“Why do buyer’s agents always give their clients bees to put in their pockets? So they can tell them beauty is in the eyes of the bee holder.“
A new agent walks into a Realtor’s office for an interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months. Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it.”
What do you say you and me get out of here and go back to my place to check out my pocket listings?
My clients put in an offer on a two story house. One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
The neighbors always leave their sprinklers on which is a little bit annoying. It’s a source of constant irrigation.
A real estate agent with only one ear walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Do you want a beer?”
The agent replies, “I’ve got one ear.”
My truck driver client was such a pain. Kept saying he wanted a house with long haul ways.
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental unit? Tenants.